Adventure Time when I'm Too Sad to Speak
straight from my journaling doc in Google Docs... no I'm not doing well.
Watching Finn desperately cling onto an idea of someone so hard it physically changes him as a person reminds me of the baggage I want to leave behind: my past self.
It’s like I’m this evolving person with new experiences, new perspectives, new and exciting like the shine of fresh veneers, and yet. I can’t fully embrace this change.
It freaks me the fuck out. Hugs scare me, my heart scares me, the thoughts creeping under the floorboards in my mind scare me. They scare me because they yearn for change… It yearns for work, effort, and the ability to give in and let the fuck go. It’s on the tip of my tongue, in the breath of a silent phone call, in the spotlight of a stage… I’m gonna be sick .
I think I’m terrified because change has always felt like a force I can’t control, can’t grip my hands on or predict it or stop it: it just fucking happens. I hate it. I love it. I get bored easily, can you tell? I change every single day, I just don’t know if it’s for the better yet, you know?
image depicted above: “help! a they/them with blue hair and pronouns is thinking! maybe a little too hard…”
It’s a long game and a slow burn when you’re in the pits of change . God I can’t stand it.
God, I crave it, yet I am my worst enemy. I can’t stand “uncomfortable”. I’m a creature of comfort even when I haven’t felt the peace of comfort in ages… Hell I don’t even sleep in my own bed 99.9% of the time (case in point: wasn’t sleeping in my own bed when writing this entry)
I want to. I want to get my body checked. I want to dance until my feet hurt and the rhythm guides my aching bones. I want to swim until I am anew. I want to drink the fountain of youth so I can outrun growing up. I’ll never age… and yet...
I must face who I am, who I want to be, and who I will become. Isn’t that the worst thing you’ve ever heard?
May my wounds turn into flowers, may my regrets turn into rebirth, may my friends hold my drenched body, and may my path heal my soul.
One day, I’ll bloom too.