We Were Girls Together
about my first real best friend
The first time we fought, I kept glancing over at your face over and over, scared it may be the last time I ever see it ever again. I drank in every blemish, the roundness of your mooncheeks, your eyes that were huge and held my entire microscopic world in them. I miss you I missed you I’m missing you. The first time we fought, you still drove me home even when the silence filling your car nearly choked us out. I hate you I hated you I’m hating you. The first time we fought, you texted me the same night with an apology drenched in snot and red rimmed eyes. I read it over and over because it was the first time anyone apologized to me for hurting me; forgiveness towards you was an easy pill made to smoothly glide down my throat. To provide me relief by my side that you’ll never leave me in this lifetime. To be fourteen and naive.
9 years. 9 years of every single shitty movie we watched together, altering my brain chemistry to catalog every giggle and snort you’d let out because they were just that fucking bad. 9 years of bitching and moaning about life tucked away in the safety of your bedsheets, the terrifying earth outside blacked out by your curtains. 9 years of hairstyles we’d regret, bands we loved but forget, memories we never can reset, sometimes I wish we never met; hey fourteen year old me, the promise of “forever” is an unpaid debt.
The last time we fought, I kept glancing over like an anxious tic, except there was nothing but a blank wall beside me. I wanted to chip the paint with my fingernails, flecks of white trapped under my nail beds to remind me of the destruction I had caused. I don’t miss you, I don’t want you, I don’t need you. The last time we fought, you were too far away to drive me home so I gasped for air in the blanket of silence all by myself. You hang up, no you hang up, no no no you hang up the fucking phone goddamnit can you just- The last time we fought, you texted me a month later a message that was drier than a work email. I read it once, sent a reply with both my eyes shut, then went and saw the shittiest movie ever without you. To say goodbye to all the ties that strangled us in this lifetime. To be twenty-two and alive.
Our bad movie rank list, we forgot about it after a while… but I still haven’t deleted it. I know why. :
